Nalah, I always struggle on your birthdays. When you were here it was so simple. We had the celebration thing organized every month. We always looked forward to celebrating with you. Now that you have passed it is so much more complicated. We each may be at different "places" in our grief when your birthday comes around. Life continues to swirl sound us. I have spent most of today crying, fretting, worrying, grieving over my Dad's heart failure.
I have returned to one of our special places to mark your birth time. A place i sat with you to think while pregnant. You know where. The 17th will always be special to me. September 17,2008: You were such a little lightning bolt that day. Labour for 1.5 hours and a ten minute delivery. I swear you did all the work as I was feeble and terrified. Not bad for a breech delivery my girl. You sure shocked everyone in the room. Thank goodness a resident was keeping track of us, as we did not even make it to the birthing suite. I will never forget the intense joy and elation when you were placed in my arms, breathing, living, a perfect little child. Daddy and I were lost in the clouds for hours after that. We were overjoyed to meet you. Our love story started the moment we knew of you, and I will always be grateful for the opportunity to say I love you, face to face.
I do not know how to celebrate today. I hold my vigil to honor your birth time. At 5:18 p.m. you entered the " outside world". I do not know how to celebrate your birth in the midst of so much sadness and uncertainty with my father, and his frail health. I am comforted to know that when he arrives in Heaven you will shower him with love, and entertain him endlessly just as your sister does down here. Still, I am selfish and not ready to let him go. Dad has always been my rock. The one person I can turn to. The person I can count on to love me no matter what. I cannot imagine life without him near. This birthday, I suppose I should celebrate life despite it's frailty. Perhaps that is my lesson for today.
I hope you know that I honor your birth time. Your birth was the most terrifying, magical, delightful and overwhelming moment of my life. I hoped for so many months to hold you, kiss you, tell you how much I loved you. You allowed all my dreams to come true. This day will always be special, whether we celebrate in conventional ways or not. As I have said before, your birth is sacred to me. I will always be grateful that you chose me as your Mom.
I love you.
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