A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam.

For a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world.

But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky just to have seen it.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

time to grieve

Yesterday was a monthly anniversary of Nalah's death. Fifteen months.  I still long for her every day. Miss her every moment. We try to live life to the fullest, to give Karis (Nalah's big sister) the best childhood she can have, and also to be attentive and supportive during her grief. We are all grieving. Always will be. But there are days it it just hard to keep up that facade of managing and of going about life without the sadness. The sadness is always present. It is hard to lose any loved one, let alone a child that is so very precious and so very, very loved. Sometimes I feel like all my 'personal time' gets absorbed in daily life, parenting, career, managing a household. That leaves little time to grieve the way I would like, to spend time with my Angel child. Not a very informative blog, I am afraid. But real. I miss my Nalah. I want to have the world just stop, and let me 'be with her' again.

I guess my point is grieving takes time. And it is time I embrace. I want to have my moments to think of Nalah, to miss her, to focus on her and not all the business around me. I want to be able to sift through photographs, recall memories, chuckle at the funny things she did, remember her personal trait. Her personality. I still want my time with her, and I have learned how to have time with her when she is not physically here. I just need to learn to balance all aspects of my life so that the 'sad days' or hours, or minutes, can blend in with all my other responsibilities, parenting (which I love) and commitments. 

So, already by being able to articulate this. That I can have time with Nalah when she is in the spirit world, I am a little less sad. I just want my moments with her. Hopefully, today when everyone is asleep, we can have some quiet time. Nalah and I.

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