Smiling at her Daddy

Nalah's face would light up when a family member entered the room. In this photo she is being held by Mommy and smiling at her Daddy. Nalah's smile always makes me smile, even now when I miss her so. Nalah simply was/and IS an adorable daughter. I am disappointed that society in general does not understand or appreciate the value of our 'special kids'. Nalah is an integral, beloved, member of our family. She always will be.

Nalah & Karis

One of my greatest joys in life was watching my two girls play together. Love grew so strongly between them. To this day, Karis often opens the window and yells "I love you Nalah" to the heavens. Nalah is in our hearts, and minds, always. This photo speaks volumes about how triosmy siblings know and love their family. Karis often choose to sit with Nalah and play with her, rather than doing something more 'active' which Karis would be capable of. We had many ballet recitals, music concerts, art shows, all presented by Karis for Nalah. I stumbled across this photo today and Nalah's love for her big sister always makes me smile. I am sad these two cannot be together, for now. Just the other day Karis, aged five, asked to be buried beside her sister. We all want to be close, as close as we can be. Nalah, save a place for us. We will all join you someday. 

time to grieve

Yesterday was a monthly anniversary of Nalah's death. Fifteen months.  I still long for her every day. Miss her every moment. We try to live life to the fullest, to give Karis (Nalah's big sister) the best childhood she can have, and also to be attentive and supportive during her grief. We are all grieving. Always will be. But there are days it it just hard to keep up that facade of managing and of going about life without the sadness. The sadness is always present. It is hard to lose any loved one, let alone a child that is so very precious and so very, very loved. Sometimes I feel like all my 'personal time' gets absorbed in daily life, parenting, career, managing a household. That leaves little time to grieve the way I would like, to spend time with my Angel child. Not a very informative blog, I am afraid. But real. I miss my Nalah. I want to have the world just stop, and let me 'be with her' again.


I guess my point is grieving takes time. And it is time I embrace. I want to have my moments to think of Nalah, to miss her, to focus on her and not all the business around me. I want to be able to sift through photographs, recall memories, chuckle at the funny things she did, remember her personal trait. Her personality. I still want my time with her, and I have learned how to have time with her when she is not physically here. I just need to learn to balance all aspects of my life so that the 'sad days' or hours, or minutes, can blend in with all my other responsibilities, parenting (which I love) and commitments. 


So, already by being able to articulate this. That I can have time with Nalah when she is in the spirit world, I am a little less sad. I just want my moments with her. Hopefully, today when everyone is asleep, we can have some quiet time. Nalah and I.

If only....

If I could do things all over again, I would take far more than 15,000 photographs of my girls in two years, and would record my children by videotape every single day, at least for a minute or two. Scanning through my images, there are surprises now and then, but I miss capturing something new. This photograph depicts the only day we ever tried pony tails. Nalah was not fond of accessories. Perhaps she had enough, with the occasional oxygen, the g-tube, the continuous feed with her Kangaroo Joey. Nalah despised wearing shoes, or socks, or hair accessories. She tolerated hats and boots  during Canadian winters.  Nalah humoured me this afternoon, but I can tell by her 'squishy brow' that this was not her preference. Nalah had dozens of facial expressions to communicate what she liked, and what she did not. Overall, my daughter was very easy going. This is her "little bit grumpy" face. That said, I still think Nalah looks adorable in this shot.