A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam.

For a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world.

But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky just to have seen it.

Monday, September 17, 2018

We still hold you close, my child. 
Your big sister is eleven years old now, and has started grade six. 
I was touched to see that on her "About Me" project for school she described herself as, among other things, a Sister. 
So many think of Karis as an only child, but she is truly a surviving/ living child. A sibling.
Although she was little when you were here, she still remembers you and holds space in her heart for you.
We all do.

I love this photo of my daughter Nalah. Doctors advised, prior to birth, that Nalah would likely not interact with her family. Well, she interacted ALL the time. She communicated volumes without saying a spoken word. Body language, hundreds of facial expressions, and the sweetest noises that could be made. Sounded like singing to me. On this day, I was fiddling with my iPhone, something I regret doing so much in her presence, and Nalah turned to me and put on a big smile for the camera. This smile is exactly like my smile on my first day of grade one photo. She looks exactly like me in this picture, my child. I treasure the smile, and I treasure the connection. 

Love you baby girl.

Remembering my Love on her Tenth Birthday

I have candles burning, and lights dimmed. I am spending a morning remembering the most precious little girl. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be your Mom, Nalah. You and your sister are my greatest loves, and greatest teachers. 

I miss you my girl. I have searched through old photos this morning and cherish all the memories we captured, and those which are more fleeting. Some things are ingrained in my mind. I remember your smile. I remember you closing your eyes, tilting your head back, when you were experiencing bliss. I remember the other times too, the times you struggled, the times we tried to manage your pain. I always saw you as much bigger than that. So much more than your medically complex physical being. An old soul. A companion. My beloved.

I have many new plants in your honour today, and the trees I have planted for you are growing big and strong. I have harvested herbs today and strung them throughout the house. The fragrance is lovely. You always appreciated a sensory garden.

I found a scrapbook of art today that your sister created for you while you were in hospital. She was two, but such a colourful artist. You always loved the bright colours adorning your walls.

We honour you today Nalah. We will have the traditional party. Pizza, a vanilla cake, and chocolate cupcakes with strawberry buttercream. Your signature. We will light birthday candles and sing to you. My sister will release balloons at your birth time, 5:18 pm. 

I am quite pleased that the Emmy's fall on your 10th Birthday evening. You know I have loved hollywood red carpets since I was a tiny girl. I /we are SO cheering on a fellow Canadian, Sandra Oh. 

I don't know where you are in the spirit world, this universe or the next. I know you are free to travel and explore wherever your spirit leads you. I don't want to hold you down. I don't want to hold you back. 

We will hold you close in our hearts as we always do, but please know our love reaches you wherever you are. Our love is bigger than this world, and bigger than a physical life. 

You are my precious baby girl, growing up in the spirit world.

I love you and I honour you.

Thank you for the precious gift of sharing some time on this earth.